My sister is getting married tomorrow.
No one told me about this feeling.
I’ve seen different countries and held new babies and been in rooms with so much love that I could almost taste it. But no one told me that when my sister got married, I would feel the oddest cocktail of emotions known to humankind. It’s as if my heart is breaking because it has too much love in it.
When I got married, I felt so much love all around me and was just so excited to celebrate with everyone. I knew you were emotional that day, but I had no idea why. Because my sister had never been married before. Now I know what you were feeling, or at least something like it, I imagine, and I wish I could go back in time and understand you more on that day.
I remember when we went to the mall to buy makeup for my wedding, and while the woman at the counter was applying foundation my face, you choked up. I had no idea why, but you told me I’d made a face that made me look like my childhood self. We laugh-cried about it and moved on. But now, that’s all I can think about. All I can see is us as kids, and I’m trying like hell to figure out how we got here. I can smell freshly cut grass and see the freckles on your nose and hear the sound of Mom calling us to come inside, and at the same time, I know your wedding dress is hanging in your closet right now. How can that be?
You know I try not to be overly emotional, because I’m not a good crier. When I start, I may never stop, so I have to keep all of that locked firmly in my throat for as long as possible. Which is why I’m writing this. I am better with writing than I am with real life, sometimes. Writing gives me a chance to process, and I can be weepy in private. But I just need you to know that this week has been one of the most emotional weeks of my life, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it under wraps tomorrow. Admittedly, I’m sobbing at my desk as I type this. But how can such sobbing be simultaneously so sad but so full of joy?
I don’t know that I’ll ever know the answer to that, but I am going to assume it has a lot to do with just how much I love you. You deserve the most perfect day with all of the people you love around you. And tomorrow, no matter how many tears we wipe, we will celebrate you and Mark until we can’t dance anymore. And that is going to be the best best best.
Cheers to you and Mark. Forever and ever.